Could he get upenough nerve to commit that "parting of the ways" act of finality? "Why is it as children we play games being grown-up, but as adults wecan't play at being children?" Ken mused, sitting, slowly rocking,staring out a window. Cars moved, their headlights dancing a soundlesstango across his ceiling, and people strolled the streets, the city camealive through its citizens, but Ken felt partially dead inside. He wantedto play at being something, anything other than what he was. Hisperception was clouded by a depression starting that afternoon, and hecould not shake it off. The inability to be a "man" led to disgust, andthen depression; inevitably followed by a willingness to do anything toend that pain of denial of one's self. Depressions aren't evil, good or bad! They keep us from getting anoverblown ego. We take the hopelessness we feel, look at it, decide whatto do about it, do it and move on - end of story: finis. Then, there arethose depressions that shake you to the. I was disappointed, silly as it was, as I had convinced myself that this would be the day that I got brave enough to say hi.Suddenly I felt someone’s hot breath on the back of my neck. I froze until a voice said, “I’ve noticed you watching me. I think you dream about having my hands all over your body. If I’m wrong, just say no, and I will walk away. But if I’m right, say nothing, and I’ll give you a subway ride to remember.”I should have said no. We were on a subway, for fuck’s sake! But my libido decided for me, and I remained silent.“Just to make sure you heard me, nod if you want me to use you like a dirty little girl right here on this train.”I nodded enthusiastically and wondered just how he planned to pull this off on a crowded subway. I prayed to God he wasn’t considering the disgusting lavatory with its smell of vomit and other putrid odors.I needn’t have worried; my mystery man had no intention of moving anywhere. He nibbled on my earlobe and whispered, “I’m not a psycho.
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